Conflict of Interest
by Shuri 'in a world of black and white
Summary: Sometimes things never were meant to be. Sometimes you aren't the person who can make him happy, and sometimes you can't give him what he wants. Sometimes you need the courage, the strength to let go...even if it literally breaks your heart.


_So I realized, I actually haven't been really active for a long, LONG time._

_Just to let people know that I am still alive, I decided to write this fic... The idea came to me while I was watcing the GS special edition over again. I've noticed a general trend in fandom that a couple is often depicted as... kind of as a "love of your life" situation. But really, what are the chances that any of these are actually relationships that would last their entire lives?_

_So I decided I should write a fic about a break-up, and well, here it is._

_Disclaimer: Really. Really. I think I've made my love for Yzak abundantly clear. If I owned the series, Yzak would have been the main character._

* * *

Loud, heavy footsteps that you could hear from a mile away. Repeated pounding on the door, followed by a boisterous voice that never sounded a hundred percent serious under _any_ circumstance.

"Hey Yzak, it's me! Let me in!"

_As if he really needed to identify himself. _It was all part of an all-too-familiar routine: the footsteps, the knocking, the voice. _That_ voice. There was no way you could possibly mistake it for anybody else.

Yzak Joule felt his stomach clench as he pressed the button to open his office door.

"Yzak, what are you _thinking_?"

The look on Dearka's face was exactly what he had predicted, and Yzak almost started laughing hysterically. He pressed the same button, this time to close the door, and leaned back in his chair.

"Major Elsman. Please refrain from addressing me casually while on duty, and I also request you to lower your voice as it is disrupting everybody else."

The blonde glared at Yzak, who purposely averted his eyes and looked up to the ceiling.

"_Yzak_."

"Further violation of military protocol may result in disciplinary consequences, _Major Elsman_."

"I don't give a shit, Yzak. You will explain to me what the _fuck_ is going on in that twisted brain of yours, and what the fuck you think you are doing."

Dearka violently threw a fat document onto Yzak's desk.

"You cannot transfer me to another ship."

Yzak closed his eyes for a few seconds just to collect himself, and met Dearka's glare with a steady gaze.

"Major Elsman, as commander of Voltaire and captain of the Joule squad, I am entitled to request transfers at any point and time. You will leave this ship once we reach the next base, and you are no longer to be part of my squad."

Yzak felt the knot in his stomach become tighter. It was never meant to end this way. _Never_.

But nothing ever turns out the way you wanted, and he had learned this the hard way.

"Yzak, you are out of your mind."

"Major Elsman, this decision is final."

Dearka clenched his fist.

"You cannot transfer me. I will _not_ leave you."

The blonde looked positively desperate, and Yzak had to look away. He could not let the blonde guilt trip him. This was a decision that he had to make, for both of them.

"As I said, this decision is final."

The next thing he knew, he felt two strong arms wrap around him in a tight embrace. It took every piece of whatever he still had left to not return the embrace.

"Yzak, I am not leaving your side. I came back to ZAFT to be with you. I love you."

Yzak closed his eyes again. The same exact words that made him so happy just a few months ago now only seemed like a curse.

"Do not mix personal emotions with military duty, Major Elsman."

He felt those arms twitch and slowly loosen. A pair of amethyst eyes bore into him, and he almost could not breathe. This was just too much.

"Yzak, I don't understand. I didn't screw up, did I? Why… What… Why are you doing this?"

Dearka sank into the chair that was placed on the other side of Yzak's desk, and buried his face in his hands. Yzak stood up and faced the wall.

"Dearka, this is unhealthy and unconstructive."

The blonde looked up, shocked that his commander had addressed him by his first name. Ever since his best friend was appointed as commander to Voltaire, he had been anal about military protocol. It irritated Dearka to no end that Yzak refused to call him by his name, or acknowledge him or their relationship at all while on duty. Now that Yzak finally called him Dearka, as he always asked Yzak to, he could not get rid of a horrible feeling in the bottom of his heart.

"I don't understand what you are saying."

Yzak wished that the wall would magically melt and swallow him, so that he would not have to go through with this conversation. He hated how Dearka seemed so lost, so surprised. He hated how Dearka did not understand that he could not give Dearka what he wanted. Yzak Joule was commander. He had to uphold his reputation and authority. He needed to set an example. And setting an example meant keeping a clear line between work and personal life.

"I don't understand how you don't understand."

Yzak's voice shook slightly despite his attempts to appear as cold and detached as possible. He could not tell if Dearka caught it.

"Don't tell me that I am not good enough for you. I _know_ I'm a good pilot…I was a redcoat after all, wasn't I? And I know I'm a more capable subordinate than those wimps who didn't experience the last war…"

"Dearka."

"And I would die for you."

Yzak gasped for breath. He hated it when Dearka caught him off guard like this. He slowly turned around, and of course the blonde was looking straight at him with a passionate gaze.

"That is precisely why I requested for your transfer, Major Elsman."

Each word burned Yzak's throat like acid.

"You must pledge allegiance to ZAFT, not to your commander."

"I would die for you because I _love_ you."

"You are a soldier, not my personal bodyguard."

"Yzak! What the hell! That is no reason to transfer me…"

"Dearka. I cannot give you what you want."

The blonde froze, and his expression turned from one of frustration to horror.

"I still don't understand you."

"You say you love me."

Anger flickered in Dearka's eyes once more, and he stood up from his chair.

"I _say_? I'm not just saying it, I do! And after three fucking years, I thought I've made it more than obvious!"

Yzak suddenly felt himself go numb. Perhaps it was a reflex reaction to shield him from the pain that he knew was coming soon. It was just so ironic that Dearka was the one shouting and he was calm, for once, when it was always, _always_ the opposite.

"I know. But I haven't, have I?"

"What…"

"After three fucking years, don't think I haven't noticed either. I'm never enough. I don't call you by your name enough. I don't tell you I love you enough. I don't act like I love you enough."

"You are enough. You're all I want."

"Stop fooling yourself, Dearka. I've seen enough. You want more than I can give you."

"Yzak, I don't like where this is going."

_Like I do_, Yzak thought to himself.

"You are used to your significant other wanting you, needing you in a concrete way. I can't give you that. I don't like showing people what I'm feeling or thinking all the time, _you_ know that all too well."

"Yzak. What I want is you. And I am happy as long as I'm with you... I need you."

"Don't worry, it's a passing phase."

Yzak almost choked on his words. So apparently he had not gone completely numb. Passing phase. As if. He knew that he, at least, would never be able to let go of it anywhere as quickly or painlessly as he wanted.

Dearka stepped towards him, and he instinctively stepped back only to feel the wall behind his back. He could not escape as Dearka slowly closed the distance between them and kissed him. He felt like crying. It was so uncharacteristic of him to ever feel so vulnerable. But at the same time, it was not like him either to be calm, or to be having this kind of conversation at all.

He clenched his fist and leaned back on the wall as hard as he could while he fought the urge to kiss Dearka back. After a few moments, Dearka slowly pulled away and looked at him pleadingly.

"Yzak, I love you. I'd do anything for you. Don't do this to me."

"You need some girl who would fawn over you every single moment you spend with her. I can't…and don't ever plan on giving you the kind of attention you need."

"I don't need some girl. You are the love of my life."

"Stop shitting me, Dearka Elsman. You haven't even turned twenty yet. Don't talk about your life."

"…Do you not love me?"

Yzak averted his eyes.

"There is a conflict of interest."

This time, he clearly heard his voice shake.

"A conflict of interest? Did you _never_ love me?"

Something vaguely like anger almost formed in the back of Yzak's brain. He could not believe that the blonde would say such a thing after three years, yes, three fucking years together. But then he supposed he never made it clear enough to Dearka, which was where the problem lay.

He replied with silence.

"…You are a coldhearted……"

"A coldhearted bastard?"

"That's not what…"

"Dearka, this is where it ends."

The blonde took a few steps back, looking as though he was trying to think of an argument. Yzak closed his eyes, took a breath, then opened them again to face his now former lover.

"Major Elsman, your transfer is final and will not be reconsidered. You will disembark from Voltaire promptly as soon as we reach the next base and will be removed from my command. Understood?"

Their gazes locked for what felt like an eternity. Yzak felt a little part of him die with every passing second, knowing that this would probably see his reflection in those impossibly beautiful amethyst eyes.

"…Yes, commander."

He never thought he would hear Dearka address him formally. His lips curled into something like a smile, but he knew too well that it was anything but. It was Dearka's last act of defiance, he knew.

Dearka picked up the fat document from Yzak's desk, which included all the paperwork for his transfer from the Joule squad. Yzak saw Dearka's hand shaking ever so slightly. Without ever looking back, the blonde walked straight to the door. Standard military protocol.

His steps were impossibly slow and heavy, that was all.

Yzak reached for the button that opened his door.

Dearka turned around with a straight back. Again, military protocol.

"Yzak."

_That _was not.

"I will never stop loving you."

All Yzak could do was to keep his pokerface. Dearka straightened his back again, and saluted Yzak.

"Commander, thank you for your guidance during my time on this ship."

Yzak saluted back, trying to ignore his heart breaking somewhere deep inside.

"Major Elsman, I thank you for your service. Good luck in your future missions."

"Thank you, sir."

The door opened, and Dearka was gone.

_Forever_.

Yzak listened to the footsteps disappear into the distance, then sank back into his chair.

"Goddamn you, Dearka Elsman."

His hoarse whisper melted into the stale air that filled his office.

"I love you, more than you could ever know."

* * *

_Thanks for reading! Reviews are MORE than appreciated..._


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